Writing an Obituary for My Living Son Was Oddly Comforting

Alive shouldn't be a relative term, but living is implicit when you use heroin. Opiate addicts function in limbo, in a state similar to the walking dead. Anyone who loves an addict knows it becomes increasingly difficult to remember the person before they used, the user and the drug rapidly become enmeshed. The person becomes obscured, overshadowed by the actions they've taken while under the influence of drugs and it becomes second nature to associate your loved one with pain

Once heroin sabotaged my relationship with my son Nolan (not his real name), I was uncertain about how to continue to have a role in his life. Defining him as an adult made me want to eradicate him from my mind, but the mother in me would never allow him to be erased. Although he became homeless because I removed him from our household, I still felt ultimately responsible for his well-being.

Our family treaded water in our regular lives, checking on him periodically reintroduced a massive wave of sadness and frustration. My daughters and I would occasionally meet him for a meal. Wearing a suit of armor called "detachment" helped me to overcome the instinct to sob as I sat across the table from a sickly shadow of my son. The familiar cadence of sibling banter would ensue and a version of normalcy would materialize. Listening to him order his meal I couldn't reconcile his good manners with his haggard appearance. I'd unconsciously soften, realizing the essence of his former self was still there.


Nolan and his sister

Nolan and his sister were a little more than two years apart. They had such different personalities, but they were the best of friends. I don't ever recall a cross word spoken between them. As young children her fearlessness made him crazy -- he was fiercely protective. "Mom, the waves are over her head! She's out too deep." People assumed Nolan would be unfazed by the birth of his youngest sister due to their substantial age gap. Although most 12-year-old boys would have disregarded a baby, he was enamored and never missed a moment to engage with her. Boys in dirty baseball uniforms would stand grinning as he'd scoop her up and sing her funny little songs.


Sibling guardian

I didn't set out to immortalize my living son. The obituary was a spontaneous reaction to hearing he had been caught using after months of sobriety. My son's venomous reaction when he was confronted by a family member added to the devastation. While on business travel across the country, I was unable to distract myself with chores or immerse myself with my other children. Sitting helpless in a hotel room the initial disappointment morphed into intense anger, which evolved into sadness. I had a realization that my son was defined by heroin, his name synonymous with the drug. Struggling to remember him as generous, talented, and loveable caused me to begin writing intensely on a hotel note pad.

Nolan was naturally agile, which made him successful at every physical venture and sport he pursued. Throughout his years in Pop Warner, parents would gawk at his size but quickly realize there was nothing to fear. Nolan was mellow and friendly, a consummate team player loved by coaches for his dedication and good nature. He took his athletic contributions seriously, regardless of the position or game played -- if the team lost Nolan would beat himself up.


His sister watching him play.

While it was emotional to remember my son before he was eclipsed by opiates, it was also liberating. It was a gift to unearth his many unique qualities and counting our best memories gave me a sense of relief.

Every addict is worthy of being seen for more than their disease, but out of necessity those who love them have to disengage. I needed to dehumanize him to cope with the circumstances, but I didn't need to make my stance concrete. Nolan's goodness still exists, but it's suppressed by the power of the drug. I reserved the right to believe that there is potential to make new memories.

Need help with substance abuse or mental health issues? In the U.S., call 800-662-HELP (4357) for the SAMHSA National Helpline.

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Dare to Be 100: God as Noun or Verb?

As I contemplated writing a blog with this title I presumed that it had probably already been done. Boy was I right! Google bubbled out dozens of prior examples including a HuffPost blog by Jason Derr in the religion section of Huffington in 2011. Almost all the prior statements, including Derr's, had an ecclesiastical frame of reference. Except one by Buckminster Fuller. In 1970 he wrote a book entitled "I seem to be a verb; the environment and man's future." (1) In it he invokes an evolutionary perspective to mankind's role in the Universe. I resonate with this viewpoint.
As a physician profoundly concerned with mankind's place in the Grand Process of Existence I probe deeply into basic mechanisms. In this regard two adjacent questions emerge: what is life? and what is health? Both are similarly answered with verbs as mechanisms rather than nouns.
Such is a profound philosophic point.

I find its understanding expressed in a paper written by my good friend Richard Strohman who was an elegant professor of biology at Berkeley. In his paper in Nature Biotechnology (2) in 2003 he pinpoints the fundamental issue when he observes that we have subliminally substituted agents for agency. He calls this an "epistemological error of great moment." What this means is that the human mind has a much easier time grasping things than processes. Our cognitive capacity seems focused on commoditizing everything. "Being" is much easier to conceptualize than "becoming."

The consequence of this is closely aligned in my opinion with money. It is impossible to place a monetary value on process. It is very easy to put a price on product. We fix our attention on the agents rather than the agency. The dynamics inherent in this reality were definitive in the conclusions reached by Schrödinger in his lectures "What is Life?" In them he linked the physical processes of life to the laws of thermodynamics, and particularly the energy exchanges that are implicit. Life is a verb, health is a verb because they depend on energetic interchanges, not on particulate elements such as genes.

I have conformed this perspective into an icon. The familiar depiction of the Tao as intersecting black-and-white halves of the whole I feel is wrong, because it implies the specific separation of the nature/nurture interface.



The clear intersection of the two worlds is undeniable. The two are intimately connected and constantly interconnecting. To me the boundary is very diffuse. The color of that icon is speckled gray, meaning that the two are so inextricably related as to be not separable.



So it is my conclusion that God is a verb, health is a verb, life is a verb. I believe that if we could focus the human cognitive antenna on this way of seeing it would have benefits of cosmic proportion.

Reference:
Fuller, B. I Seem to be a Verb, 1970 Bantam NY.
Strohman R. Thermodynamics- Old Laws in Medicine and Complex Disease. 2003 Nature Biotech; 21:477-479.

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We're Losing The War On Bedbugs

In the ongoing battle between bedbugs and the humans whose blood they suck, it seems the bugs may be winning -- at least in some parts of the country.

New research conducted on bedbugs from homes in Cincinnati, Ohio, Jersey City, New Jersey, and Troy, Michigan, shows the pesky little bloodsuckers have become resistant to the insecticides commonly used to kill them.

"While we all want a powerful tool to fight bedbug infestations, what we are using as a chemical intervention is not working as effectively as it was designed to," Dr. Troy Anderson, an assistant professor of entomology in the Virginia Tech College of Agriculture and Life Sciences and one of the scientists behind the research, said in a written statement.

More research is needed to determine whether bedbugs in other parts of the country have become resistant to the insecticides, a family of compounds known as neonicotinoids, or neonics. But that disturbing possibility might help explain the results of a recent online survey by the National Pest Management Association and the University of Kentucky, which showed that 64 percent of pest management professionals think bedbug infestations are on the rise.

Bedbugs are found just about everywhere there are people, according to the survey. That includes not just apartments and single-family homes, but also hotels and motels, college dorms, stores, movie theaters, libraries, nursing homes, office buildings, daycare centers and even public transportation.

Blech! Bed bugs don't cause illness, but their bites can cause ugly welts and intense itching.

For the study, which was published online Thursday in the Journal of Medical Entomology, Anderson and Dr. Alvaro Romero, an assistant professor of entomology at New Mexico State University, compared the effectiveness of neonics on bedbugs collected from homes to a control group of bugs from a colony in an isolated lab that had never been exposed to neonics.

The researchers found that the level of insecticide required to kill the bugs from the homes was hundreds to tens of thousands of times higher than the level required to kill bugs from the control group.

How did these bugs become so hardy? Thank natural selection.

As Romero explained in an email, "Organisms have the ability to overcome the effect of insecticides/antibiotics by developing molecular and biochemical mechanisms that render the compounds less effective."

As for what can be done to curb infestations of insecticide-tolerant bed bugs, Romero recommended alternative removal methods, including traps, heat treatments and vacuuming. And the rest of us need to learn how to keep from "acquiring and transporting bed bugs."

Sounds like good advice -- the EPA offers some good strategies for doing just that.

Also on HuffPost:

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7 Characters You're Sure to Find in a Zumba Class

As most of my close friends and family know, I've become a little bit of a Zumba addict in recent years. Like, I attend a bunch of different ones, at different gyms, and even if I'm traveling, I have to get a temporary membership to a local gym that offers a Zumba class.

In almost every single Zumba class I've attended, I've noticed a trend of the same different characters. I don't know which one of these I fall into, but take a look at this list and tell me if any of these seem familiar to you.

The Performer

This is the girl you swear is trying out for her own fitness video. She's super high energy, staring in the mirror, throwing in extra steps that even the instructor doesn't know, and just overall doing THE MOST. She does get the best workout in the class, though.

The Space Invader

This is the girl who more than likely has never taken a formal dance class in her entire life because she clearly does not know what it means to stay on your X. She starts out standing too close to you and knowing that you're going to want to swing an arm or two, you politely move over -- only to find her back under your armpit two minutes into a routine.

I get it -- sometimes a Zumba class gets pretty crowded, but there's no reason for us to be nearly dirty dancing after every turn. In fact, an actual quote from the movie "Dirty Dancing" is appropriate here: "This is my dance space. This is your dance space. I don't go into yours, you don't go into mine!"

The Girl Who Is Clearly Dancing to Another Song

I think it's mean to say that someone has absolutely no rhythm, so we'll just say she's dancing to another song... in her head... while making up her own dance moves... You get the point.

You have to purposely avoid looking at her during Zumba class to keep from getting off beat too. However, you can't help but respect her for bravely sticking through the class and showing that it's all about having fun.

The Hype Girl

Not be confused with the Performer, this girl is not about doing all of the moves perfectly. Rather, she is the one who has made it her personal mission to keep the Zumba class hyped up and energetic.

She is fun and outgoing with loud bursts of "Yeah," "Uh huh," "Get it, girl," and "Owww" sounds throughout every routine. She keeps you motivated and dancing harder than ever. Plus, let's face it, who doesn't need a hype girl in their life?

The Sexy Seductress

This girl could take or leave the actual cardio aspect of the class, but she absolutely nails every hip roll, gyration, or booty shake. There's a part of you that wants to be catty and remind her that this is not a pole dancing class, but that's really just the same part of you that's secretly wondering how great her sex life must be.

The Girl Who Didn't Realize This Was a Cardio Class

Now, this could be the Sexy Seductress, but it could also be the girl who's a little out of shape and thought a Zumba class was not going to be a real workout. Five minutes into the class, she's complaining about how hard it is and asking the instructor to take it easier on the class.

You feel her pain because you haven't always been in such great shape, but you're also annoyed because you're there to work. So, when she packs up and leaves halfway through the class, you feel relieved that you're finally gonna break a sweat.

The Only Guy in the Class

You still haven't figured out this guy's deal. He's the only guy in the Zumba class and he doesn't actually know anyone there. He does most of the steps, except for the sexy ones. You wonder if he's just a guy trying to get in shape or if he's there to pick up girls. Only time will tell.

There you have the seven different characters you're sure to find in a Zumba class. Can you think of any I've missed?

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Commitment: Myths and Reality

If you or anyone that you know has ever experienced what is (usually mistakenly) referred to as "commitment phobia," there might be good reason to be hesitant or downright resistant to embracing the C-word. Webster uses terms like this to characterize commitment: sacrifice, loss or freedom, submission, institutionalization, and consignment to a prison or mental. Who in their right mind would want to sign up for that??

Fortunately, there are other more positive terms that are also used to define the word such as pledge, vow, assurance, giving one's word, empowering, investing, and entrusting. Yet it's not the actual definition of the word that has many of us running in the opposite direction of an invitation to take on a commitment, or to make an agreement to share one's life with another person forever. At least that is what many of us have in mind when we think about creating a committed partnership with another human being.

Reluctance to make this kind of a binding, seemingly permanent agreement which has long term ("till death do us part") consequences, is completely understandable in light of the stakes. In taking on a commitment, we open ourselves to literally inconceivable possibilities, for better or worse, to quote another much used wedding vow.

Dictionary definitions aside, there are, of course, other reasons to be somewhat reluctant to choose a committed partnership. For one thing, many of us have had personal experiences in relationships of all kinds, but especially close ones, going all the way back to childhood, in which there was abuse, loss, disappointment, or betrayal that has left us feeling wary of entering that territory again. After all, unless we have some good reason to trust that this time things will turn out differently, it would seem foolish to opt to put ourselves in a that position again. Until we trust that we have learned the lessons that our previous experiences have held for us and we have addressed the wounds of our past, it is likely that history will repeat itself.

While the conventional understanding of commitment does suggest something permanent and irrevocable, we would like to offer a slightly different take on the term that provides a little more breathing room without compromising the essential meaning of the word.

While the primary associations that we have with commitment have to do with time and longevity, the term really has more to do with the quality rather than the quantity of our time together. Commitments are made outside of time. The question is not so much about whether or not we stay together, no matter what, but about the kind of relationship we are both agreeing to create together. What is our shared purpose in coming together? What is our vision for the future? What experiences can we co-create that we can't achieve by ourselves? What is it that we see in this person that makes us want to spend our life with them? And what will it take on each of our parts to bring these aspirations to fruition?

Commitment can be seen as a process of dealing with the challenges and opportunities that relationships inevitably provide. It is the container that holds our sacred pledge to fulfill what we see as the fundamental purpose of our connection; a container that can hold inconceivable possibilities for our lives and the lives of all whom we touch. Any intentions or goals that two people desire to experience can be included in this container. Those goals can be as specific and personal as intimacy and self-discovery or as universal as service to a cause, or to a shared honoring of a spiritual tradition or anything in between. We all have the authority to determine the nature of the contents of our container. When we remember that no one but ourselves has the authority to hold us to a commitment, it no longer feels so confining. True commitments cannot be assigned or prescribed by another, but must spring from within the depth of our own heart. When this is the source of the commitment that joins two people together, they will not feel forced to stay together, but will feel blessed in the gift of their partnership.

And, there will be difficult times. Even the best relationships have their moments (and longer) of hardship, suffering, and doubt. Being committed doesn't prevent these experiences from arising, but it reminds us that our underlying shared intention is bigger than the temporary distress that we may experience from time to time. It serves to remind us that these bumps on the road are opportunities to develop practices that will strengthen the qualities that will support us in becoming more whole and loving human beings.

In the course of many relationships doubts and difficulties can cause us to question whether it's really worth it to continue to hang in there. It's possible to be committed and to simultaneously confront this question. After all, not every relationship is meant to be permanent. Commitment doesn't mean that you now have to sleep in the bed that you made (so to speak) for the rest of your life, but it does mean that you both share an agreement to honor the principles of your contract, regardless of the form that your relationship takes. When the container of our relationship is sealed, the motivation and safety to do the work that is necessary to honor our shared commitment grows within both partners. And as a result, our skill and effectiveness in dealing with these challenges increases proportionately.

The real power in commitment arises out of our willingness to take responsibility for continually and repeatedly making the choice to continue to honor it. In this process we align and mobilize our energies together. Like electricity, commitment is a force field that can be used to bring about any outcome. At its essence it is neither positive nor negative.

Committed relationships call forth the best and the worst in us. From the ecstatic passion of the heat of infatuation we may step into the fire of conflicting desires or idealized projections. The breakdowns that are inherent in the process of passing through various stages of relationship provide us the means through which we can open to deeper levels of our hearts' greatest longings.

Unique opportunities exist in committed partnerships. When we close the exit door of our relationship other doors open; doors that allow us to heighten our experience of joy, generosity, creativity, and passion for living.

As a wise man once said, "There's no free lunch." Committed partnerships do not come cheaply. They require courage, responsibility, imagination, and integrity. Very few of us enter these relationships fully developed in those areas. It's mostly on the job training. But with a vision, a spirit of adventure, a willingness to play your edge, a willing partner, and support when you need it, the possibilities are endless!

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An Open Letter to the President About Mental Health Care

Dear Mr. President Obama (and future Ms. or Mr. President),

I felt like I was in a deep, dark hole that was filling with water... fast.
"Sorry, we aren't in your network!" More water, up to my knees.
"I don't take any insurance. It's all self pay. Click." More water, waist.
On hold for 45 minutes with insurance company. "We're denying that claim." Chest.
"It's a three-week wait." Drowning.

No one in this country, or world, should have barriers to getting excellent mental health care. I am one of the lucky ones, who finally found a brilliant psychiatrist, but I am writing on behalf on those who are still waiting... who are at risk for drowning.

I had seen a few psychiatrists, years prior, who spoke to me (condescendingly) for a few minutes and sent me off with a new diagnosis and script. I didn't fill it or only took the medicine for a few weeks. Why? Because they didn't gain my trust. They didn't care. Also, this wasn't my pinky toe we are talking about here. I would not fear the wrong treatment for something so minor. This was my brain. I cherished my brain.. my creativity, my intelligence, my deep compassion, but I also was trapped by anxiety, OCD and depression that was debilitating.

Here's how I got lucky with the psychiatrist who changed my life, but it shouldn't have been luck. It should have been easy.

"We don't have anything open for three weeks." I begged them to find an opening. "I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do." I wouldn't get off the phone. I managed between sobs to beg again...

"Please." My whole body was shaking. "Please."

Suddenly the secretary said, "You must have an angel... Someone just canceled with our best, head psychiatrist." The water in the metaphorical hole started to go down. I could breathe.

I don't know where I'd be without having had this appointment, and my heart breaks for others who do not get this level of care. I do know where I am now I because I was finally able to see this psychiatrist and get the care I had always deserved. I want this kind of chance for success for all people struggling with mental health conditions. 

I found success because I was finally able to trust this psychiatrist. I was able to trust her because she spent more than 15 minutes with me like others had. She wasn't a new resident of the month. ("Hi -- I'll be here for a few months so I think we can build a solid relationship. What's going on? Okay, here's a script. Nice working with you... What was your name?")

She treated me with respect and dignity. She knew I was intelligent and explained what was going on scientifically. She would say things like, "You're so smart. You're going to get better and do so many great things!" I told her couldn't take medication and she said I needed it like a diabetic needed insulin and that it was nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of. I told her treatment was weak and she said it was strong. I brought up myths about medication and she debunked every one. She knew my name.

There was a hand reaching to me in that deep dark hole. I took her hand and got out. I started walking forward, skipping... Now I'm running... flying... I'm in a rocket ship! (Still my creative, dramatic self!) Now I want to help others who are where I was. Everyone deserves this chance. So many wait in holes for a hand, with water rising.

Where I am now?

I haven't had any relapses since receiving this excellent care (7 years strong). I am a thriving, happy, valuable member of my community. I have wonderful relationships. I moved to New York City to follow my dreams. I am a full-time graduate student in music education at NYU with a 3.9 average. I volunteer every Saturday. I'm an "awesome teacher." A former student wrote me a note, "Thank you for bringing kindness to us." I love inspiring kids to become great musicians.

I am a Dramatists Guild Fellow, developing a musical about mental illness with the help of Broadway professionals. I've become a mental health advocate and have been featured in The Washington Post, PBS News Hour Chats, The Huffington Post, The Mighty, and was just interviewed by CBS News, New York. I started the viral #imnotashamed campaign on Twitter, and people with mental health conditions from all over the world are stepping out of the shadows and saying, "I'm proud of who I am and what I've been through." I'm not ashamed and here's why." "We deserve better care."

I have medical debt from mental health care on top of student loans. As a future NYC public school teacher, these won't be easy to pay off, but again, I am one of the lucky ones. People are going broke paying for their care. The last thing someone struggling with chronic emotional pain needs is piling debt.

As John Oliver pointed out, our country seldom talks about mental health care until a tragedy, which further stigmatizes people with mental health conditions and is used as a scape-goat for gun control. On top of the debt and the inability to access care, people with mental health conditions are shamed, stigmatized, and made to feel like they are not worthy, whole human beings. They are made to feel like monster and freaks. People with mental health conditions, as a group, are no more likely to be violent and are more likely to be victims of crimes.

People are too ashamed to get care because of stigma. They wait far too long and then when they finally try and it's complicated and hard to access. They finally get it and it's low quality. It's rushed. This all needs to change.

Why can't we talk about mental health care all the time? Why can't we highlight the brilliant minds and phenomenal contributions people with mental health conditions bring to the world? J.K. Rowling struggled with depression and said, "Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life." Everyone deserves that chance to rebuild, to succeed!

Again, I am lucky. As a New Yorker, I see homeless people every day, some who seem to be suffering from mental health care problems. I can't believe that we aren't taking care of them. I can't fathom that veterans who have served our country are on the street, suffering from mental health conditions.

Through the #imnotashamed campaign I met a young veteran who has PTSD and has had trouble getting mental health care. He's made such a great sacrifice for our country, why don't we do everything we can to serve him now?

We also need to educate future generations. We need to start with the children. We need to make sure they do not feel the paralyzing shame, guilt and fear that we have felt. We need to make sure that they are met with open arms, not heart-breaking silence. We need to prevent another mother, father, sister, brother, friend from being tragically lost. We need for children to know the symptoms. When I was 14, I had no idea what was going on with me. Living in chronic emotional pain is exhausting. We need them to know that it is not permanent, there's a name for what they are going through and the help needs to be easy to access and excellent quality.

Please join me on Twitter and claim #imnotashamed of mental health conditions. Share your mental health care stories with the tag #mentalhealthcare so our voices are heard and things will change.

Our voices will be heard, because we are speaking in solidarity for what is right. It is right for every person to be treated with dignity and respect, whether they have a mental health condition or not. It is right for a person to have access to excellent mental health care. It is right for us to value and take care of one another.

Thank-you for hearing my story. On behalf of the people who are still waiting for that appointment, scared and alone, I ask you, please, hear us. We deserve better.

One more important thing: I think you are an amazing president and I'm so happy with what you've done for health care. Thank you. You rock. I also love when you sing. This music teacher is impressed! Great pitch and tone!

Sincerely,

Rachel Griffin

___________________

If you -- or someone you know -- need help, please call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. If you are outside of the U.S., please visit the International Association for Suicide Prevention for a database of international resources.

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